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Miss a loan installment or payment and you will immediately have an annoying telecaller snapping at your deadbeat ass for the balance payments due. So with banks in a hot soup on the sour loans made to Vijay Mallya, a lot of resources are understandably getting diverted to pursuing him. Here are some quick and useful tips for recovery telecallers who are trying to reach and collect from Mr. Mallya.

Reach the right gollu-mollu: India is overloaded with unscrupulous, self-indulgent, pot bellied businessmen and once you connect, verify his identity before proceeding further with the call. “Am I speaking with Vijay Mallya from Bengaluru? Can you please confirm your address, email ID and the year when you last made a salary credit to anyone.” 

Play bad cop: Be firm and unambiguous in your demand – “Vijay, according to our records, you owe us Rs. 9000 crores.” Repeat in Hindi and Kannada that might be more comfortable – “Nau hazaar crore Vijay, ombattu savira koti!” Intimidate him with the implications of default – “I hope you know the impact this can have on your credit rating and CIBIL score. You can kiss any hopes of purchasing that air fryer on EMI scheme goodbye.”

Then good cop: Shaken up, if he requests waivers of late fees etc, accommodate them. He may give compelling justifications such as sheer incompetence and flaky business models for his failure. Listen patiently but don’t get swayed; instead brainstorm ideas to supplement his income, such as recycling swimsuit calendars to make paper cones for chana chor garam.

Prep him up: Repaying Rs. 9000 crores in one shot can be daunting for anyone and be flexible – “Okay Vijay, I’ve managed to get internal approvals and you can pay back in installments of Rs. 25 crores every alternate week until 2030.” Throw in a final sweetener – “If you use your credit card, you will earn 300 crore reward points which you can redeem for imaginary Kingfisher crockery and music CDs from our catalogue.”

Go for the kill: If still unsuccessful, take the final drastic step of targeting his most prized possession – his reputation. Allude that you will release a small notification about his default, along with his photograph, in the local newspaper. You can start chilling the celebratory beers because this will surely be enough to give you a vice-like grip on the nuts of good times.

Of course, all this holds true only if you manage to connect with the goateed absconder, which won’t be easy. As he recently commented while struggling into his speedos for a photo shoot, Mallya ka intezar toh 17 bankon ke executives kar rahe hain, lekin ek baat samajh lo, Mallya se paise lena, mushkil hi nahin naamumkin hai.”